"Bursting at the Seams: Stress, Violence, and How We Cope"

An Article on Understanding Stress & Teen Violence

by Rebecca Radcliffe

Because we can make a difference. Each of us. One choice at a time. Each day, every day.

A Stressful World

It seems with every news report, there is another school shooting. School violence mirrors the growing violence in our world. We now have incidents of road rage, air rage, and sports rage. We see acts of terrorism around the world, and know that stress and hatred damages lives.

The world is speeding up. Change is happening faster and faster. Communications bring us closer together, and our world culture brings people of differing backgrounds together in our countries, towns, and neighborhoods.

As we struggle to keep up, sometimes families come apart. They move. They divorce. They blend in new, innovative combinations. Images of wealth and success bombard us and offer us endless chances to compare ourselves with celebrities. We fall short every time. But trying to keep up by having the latest clothes, cars, cell phones, hairstyle, slang, and all-night lifestyles has become the norm. We are tired and in need of sleep. Credit cards are maxed out and our paychecks never seem to be big enough.

Kids Have Stress, Too

Our kids pay the price. They are forced to deal with a level of change and pressure unknown to their parents. So their lives are filled with stress from moving, family break-ups, and financial strain. They stay up late because stores are open, television runs all night, computers are wired 24/7, and evenings and weekends are scheduled to the max. They are tired.

Yet they feel pressure to get good grades, be involved in sports and other school activities, volunteer in their communities, pick the right crowd, and get ready for a life with big, fancy houses and other comforts. There is little time to breathe.

And the culture they live in is more superficial than ever. They see perfect, skinny, muscled bodies on every television and movie screen. They feel pressure to have designer clothes and the latest fashions. Even their cars make a statement.

Stress Leaks Out

Teenagers, just like adults, need relief and seek some kind of outlet. Often, they copy the adult behavior around them. They learn to drink, smoke, eat, or yell to calm down. They bury themselves in the computer or video games. They try drugs, seek sexual contact for relief, drive too fast, and taunt others. If they are lucky, they find an outlet in exercise, are supported by friends, express themselves creatively, work toward future goals that excite them, and get comfort from faith.

Stress has to go somewhere. When it piles up in kids lives, they have to have an outlet. As the pressure builds, the need to calm things down gets greater. Whatever relief a young person discovers tends to be repeated again and again. So that first beer can lead to active drinking. Feeling calmer after smoking can lead to a nicotine habit. Feeling better after putting someone else down can lead to a pattern of hostility and aggression. And so on.

Most of us are not taught how to positively cope with stress. We are expected to figure out how to get by as best we can. Complicating the picture are the gender messages that still pervade our culture. Women hear that they are supposed to be happy, positive, optimistic, hopeful, energetic, loving, compassionate, sympathetic, caring, tolerant, and never complaining. Men hear that they are supposed to be strong, unfailing, protective, smart, a great provider, together and in control.

Stress Leads to Violence

These images do not give us constructive ways to deal with problems. The stressful emotions that life events trigger (confusion, frustration, grief, betrayal, anger, shame, and so on) must go inward where they fester and build over time. When the pressure gets too great--often without a moment's notice--we can lose it with our partners, children, friends, co-workers, store clerks, or other drivers on the road. Our churning, internal stress boils over into negative, destructive emotions, comments, and actions.Our stress causes us to say and do things that would otherwise be unthinkable.

There is a growing level of violence in our culture and in our media. Young people see violence normalized in the rougher everyday language we use, television's endless gory news clips and network shows, the world's ongoing wars and terrorism, and rude roadways.

A well-functioning society depends on its citizens keeping control of destructive emotions. However, in today's stressful world, most of us are more likely to carry higher levels of stress, anger, and rage. It is not uncommon to experience stress-based rudeness from others, and sometimes, stress is so extreme that it generates violent outbursts.

Choose Peace

We must choose constructive outlets for our big and little stresses. This way, we do not add to the violence in today's world. Anger, rage, and other negative feelings must be handled, but not in ways that hurt us or others. Blindly dumping out rage out simply adds to the violence growing everywhere.

Instead, we can consciously choose to discharge our intense emotions in countless positive ways. We can run them off, walk with a friend, look up at the stars, or take a bath. We can play our favorite music, bake some cookies, watch a funny movie, or fix a broken table leg. We can clean the garage, read a good book, check our email, or pet the dog. The list is as long an varied as there are people. These positive, healthy choices interrupt stress response and help us calm down. No matter our age, making positive choices that help us feel better is a great skill to practice.

As the world keeps changing, we will face increasing stress. Each of us--and our kids--must learn to cope with the challenges that face us. So begin today to find outlets for your most difficult feelings and practice using them when the stress loads up in your life--and teach young people to do the same thing. This way, we will all stay healthier, happier, and safer.

What We Can Do To Help Our Kids

1. Each and every day, express our love and appreciation out loud.

2. Teach kids how to de-stress and unwind.

3. Start when they are toddlers.

4. Learn how to handle our own stress better.

5. Try new ways to unwind at least once a week...maybe everyday until everyone in the family finds a dozen things they can do to unwind. (Examples: take a deep breath; shake out your body; tell a joke; play an upbeat song; tell a hero story, read a simple uplifting quote...find 120 more ideas in ABOUT TO BURST).

7. Talk about stress in your family on an ongoing basis. Point out when you see something stressful in the news or in someone else's life. Express how tough it must be to cope. Point out when you see someone doing something positive to handle stress. Point out destructive ways, too. Keep talking and learning about stress.

8. Get more sleep. (Humans need 8 hrs on average. Kids and teens need 10 hrs on average.)

9. Get daily exercise.

10. Eat family meals together.

11. Schedule family play time: movie night, game night, frisbee in the park, walking the dog, etc.

12. Get outside for fresh air every day.

13. Say "no" if your schedules are too full.

14. Find new things to do when someone is bored.

15. Do not take stress out on one another. No name calling, belittling, yelling, hitting, etc.

16. Choose to be around people and situations that are positive as much as possible.

17. Talk to your priest/pastor or a counselor if you are feeling loaded to the point of breaking.

18. Practice hope and optimism. No matter what is going on, we have a way of getting through tough times even if it takes a while.